What I am about to write is not about travelling, or my latest adventure in some far flung part of the World. It is incredibly personal, and has taken me a bit of time to reflect upon this.
Recently a friend of mine Toni, passed away. She had Cancer, but managed to fight a good and gracious fight since her diagnosis 4 years ago (when she was told her prognosis was 18-24 months).
I met Toni for the first time, through a support forum for Scoliosis (something I was diagnosed with in 2004, and later had surgery for). Toni had been through a lot as a child, with various treatments, and was a rock for me as I was facing surgery, and the painful months of recovery.
Toni was graceful, witty, beautiful and a fabulous host, at her many parties and events. She opened up her home to me, if ever I was passing through London, and made sure I was well looked after. She cared for so many and has now left a huge gap in the World.
What saddens me more, is my lack of contact I made with Toni towards the end of her life. My last physical contact with Toni was in August 2013, when I was in London, before flying back to New Zealand. She was still having chemotherapy, and was feeling rough, but even still, she invited me to her beautiful home. Although she was in pain at times, we managed to share cake, laugh and chat about a number of things. I was in awe of her ability to just get on with life.
Following this, I kept in contact online, liking her photos, commenting on her status’ and her beautiful free hand drawings (she was so creative).
When I moved back to the UK 4 months ago, I was so busy running around, moving from place to place and travelling to various parts of the country, that visiting Toni wasn’t something I did, or thought much about, sadly. I moved to East London 2 months ago, and from where I live, it would take me less than 30 minutes to get to her. Still, I thought I’d see her at some point. I took it for granted that she would be around. She was still having treatment, and despite the odds, she seemed to be a fighter.
About a month ago, I noticed that she wasn’t doing so well, and I messaged her and asked if I could come and visit, and she said yes.
Although I get back from work at 7pm, and could have easily visited her in the evening. I didn’t. I decided to wait until a weekend, when I could have more time with her.
Last weekend, I was geared up to head over with flowers and a cheery face, but after I texted, I was told she had gone into the hospice. I had hoped that she had just gone in for a bit of respite, but deep down, I feared that this was not the case.
When I heard the news that she had passed away. My heart sank. I felt that I had failed as a friend. I felt that in my closeness to her in London, I didn’t go to see her in her time of need.
Toni’s death has made me reflect a lot about life.
When Toni was diagnosed, she basically said “screw you cancer” and went out and lived life as much as she could, from hiking in the hills in Derbyshire, to theatre shows and holidays away; she filled her life full of things she enjoyed, and with the people she loved, much like how she had done prior to being diagnosed, but perhaps even more so.
The sadness I feel about my lack of contact has made me realise that, although I feel I do live life, and have done incredible things through travelling, I need to set down some roots. I need to find a place I can call home. A place, were I can develop meaningful relationships with people, really get to know them, and not move on every few years, as I have done in the past.
It has made me evaluate the friendships and relationships I have made in the past, which although at the time have been close. they seem to quickly become distance (which is usually my doing), as I am about to venture off somewhere, then totally loose touch; leaving them on Facebook to chat with occasionally. I don’t want these kinds of relationships with people; I want something more meaningful.
It also made me think about how much I use my social media sites, and this blog – and about what? Places that countless travellers have been to before, and when I get very little feedback on what I write anyway. So I have decided that I am going to let my blog take a bit of a back seat for a while, in order to actually be with others, support them and just live life. I will be writing about my life and travels, but not at the detriment of my relationships with others.
Thank-you Toni for being a total superstar. Your support, kindness and friendship meant the World.
Miss you.
Abbi xx
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